I have concocted a few rules for baby costumes that I believe to be sound. For instance, do not dress your baby as a branded entity unless you are being compensated for doing so. In general, it is cuter to dress a baby as a vaguely noisome creature (spider, skunk, bat, opossum) than a creature that is cute already (puppy, kitten, rabbit). It is funny to dress the baby up as an entity rounder than itself (egg, pumpkin, etc.). If you are doing a parent-and-baby combo, think very, very carefully. And do not get me started on gendered outfits!

With this in mind, here are some costume ideas and what I think of them:

Baby escaped convict: This baby costume has a little sign on it that says “escaped after nine months.” You know, as you do, if you are escaping from prison — carry a little sign that says “I escaped from prison after spending the following period of time there.” This is why it is so hard to escape from prison, because the dress code makes you very easy to catch. Dislike.

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Baby voodoo doll: Are you supposed to stick pins in the baby in the hope of causing another baby to suffer? I am not on board with this concept.

Baby pope: If the baby can ride around in a baby popemobile, this is allowable. If there is a high chair from which the baby can issue proclamations ex high cathedra, it is EXTRA allowable.

Adult pirate and baby mermaid: Nothing about this costume is good. “I went to the sea and abducted a child” is the narrative of this costume. No, thank you.

Baby Dr. Evil: I don’t understand why this is a popular costume! This is a pop culture reference that has been dated for many times longer than the baby has been alive!

Baby disco ball: Great, and if the baby disco ball gets a dent, she can be a baby Death Star.

Baby avocado: The baby can represent TWO different sources of trouble and expense for her millennial parents.

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Baby candy corn: Yes! Polarize everyone who sees this infant! If they were going to condemn the candy, force them to condemn your baby, too!

Baby Cupid: Cupid is canonically often a baby, and I guess you might as well seize the opportunity, if you are classically inclined.

Baby Zeus and Saturn: This is a way better mythological baby costume, though! You go as Saturn and devour the baby! (Full disclosure: I have not actually seen this costume, but I do want people to consider it.)

Chef and baby lobster: The joke is that you are eating your baby, and if you are going to do this, just do the Saturn one!

Infant astronaut uniform but pink for some reason: For when you want your little girl to think she can go to space as long as she takes her gender with her! Dream big but do not think for a second you can wear a costume where a bystander might not be able to identify you as a “little heartbreaker” or a “little princess”!

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Werewolf but girl: YOUR BABY MAY HAVE TRANSFORMED INTO A RAVENOUS MONSTER … PAST ALL REASON … SLAVERING ONLY FOR BLOOD! BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN SHE WILL NOT STILL HAVE TWO CUTE LITTLE BOWS AND A PLAID DRESS!

Baby hedgehog: Every baby hedgehog costume I have seen has caused me to wonder aloud, “Do I actually know what a hedgehog looks like?” That isn’t your problem, though.

Baby sloth: Definitely cuter than baby wrath, and much more appropriate than baby lust.

“Top Gun” infant: Ever since seeing a onesie with “Goose” on it for baby and a matching T-shirt that said “Maverick” on it for Papa, I have been distrustful of “Top Gun”-related infant attire. Either these people did not watch the movie or they want to imply that your reckless attitude will result in your infant’s premature death.

Baby Mickey Mouse: Over the course of my lifetime, I have watched Mickey Mouse go from “a character of whom people have memories, kind of vague memories, but memories” to “just a corporate mascot” — but I think there’s something sweetly dystopian about dressing up your baby as the corporate mascot of the entity that owns the IP of your entire childhood!

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Baby Minnie Mouse: Or, even better, as the girlfriend of that corporate mascot!

“Grease” costume: This way your child can look like a cool kid from the 1950s, 70 years before their birth! This is the equivalent of dressing an ’80s baby as Enrico Caruso, or Gen. John J. Pershing. Do you know who Enrico Caruso is? You shouldn’t have, at least not as a baby!

Gendered piglet: For when you want your child to dress as a little pink pig but you also have the thought, “If people go even a second not knowing what color my child’s gender reveal explosion was, I’m going to garrote someone.”

Baby lederhosen: I don’t know about this. I feel like the country is already accidentally dressing up as Germany from a bygone era, and it makes me nervous about dressing up as Germany from a bygone era on purpose.

Baby corgi: CUTE, but you missed your window!

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Baby wolf: For extra fun, if it is cold, dress your baby as a wolf and then as a sheep!

Baby ’80s rocker: Again, this is the equivalent of dressing a baby born in the 1980s as a USO performer!

Corn cob: In general, I think any costume whose name could also be an affectionate term of address for the baby is good, and anything that requires introducing the baby to a decades-old piece of pop culture is bad. This is an ideal choice for a baby.

Corn cob, with a pink bow on it: Now, just wait a minute.

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