Hi Elaine: I welcomed my first child early last year and have tried my best to navigate my rocky family dynamic since then. Being the youngest of the family, I welcomed my first child while my siblings simultaneously welcomed their last. I thought it would be my turn to take full advantage of my mom’s presence and support but it seems like at every turn, my sister is commanding that energy.

It feels overly competitive with my sister asking for any support or gift I receive. It’s disappointing because I waited my turn and offered my support for quite some time, so I was expecting that same selfless love in return. I haven’t felt like I’ve received it. My mom struggles with setting boundaries and being assertive, while my sister, being the more dominant personality, often asks more than I know my mom can, or wants to, give.

My daughter has largely been without a grandma this past year, and I, without a mom, because of this. My husband’s family lives out of state, and we relocated back to my home state prior to me giving birth, to be around supportive family, though we’ve both been left feeling like we’ve been doing this all on our own. How do I either make my family dynamic and support more equal or accept the reality of what is?

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— Independent mama

Independent mama: I’m so sorry that you haven’t received the support you need and deserve during this most tender transition into new motherhood. A new baby — no matter how cute — cannot undo a destructive dynamic, particularly that of a lifelong relationship between siblings and parents. Instead, it forces you to look at what may have been lying dormant or whatever has gone unaddressed for some time. This tension provides an opportunity to recognize the truth about who you’re dealing with and the patterns you seem to be stuck in with them.

The only place to start is to accept the reality of what is and what may never be. I’ve shared this Maya Angelou quote before but it bears repeating (again and again because this lesson takes some reminding for us all): “When someone shows you who they are, believe them — the first time.”

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While it sounds like this imbalanced family dynamic is not new, it’s easy to go into new parenthood with sentimental visions of how things will be when the baby arrives. But when reality doesn’t match our ideals, the let down can be extremely upsetting and even painful — especially with the added hormones in the mix. I hope you can reset your own expectations of your family going forward. Anything else would be inviting more disappointment.

Instead of attempting to change anyone else, you can take your power back by bringing the focus to yourself. This isn’t to let your mom and sister off the hook or to suggest that you shouldn’t have a conversation with them to try to improve these relationships. It is simply a gentle reminder that when attempting to shift any dynamic, the only factor you can control is you. Their inability to live up to your expectations is on them. But your expectations belong to you.

Did you communicate your expectations of them before moving back home? Or did you come in with assumptions about what role they would play based on how you and your mother have shown up for your siblings in the past? Have you been honest about your needs and the lack of effort they seem to be making in trying to support you? If not, this is a great place to start. Lean into “I” phrases, rather than blaming or guilting. Own your assumptions and articulate your desire for the relationships rather than shaming them for letting you down. Remember: Once defenses go up, the likelihood of truly hearing each other goes down.

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Either way, any illusions of how you thought it would’ve been have all evaporated by now. Let them go. It’s time to start working on filling the gaps, while leaving room for your mother and sister to change.

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What kind of support were you hoping for specifically? What did it look like in your mind? Write it out and be as specific as possible. Then start thinking about how you may be able to get that support elsewhere. We will never get everything we need or want from one person. So, it’s wise to redistribute the responsibilities and expectations you have of your mother and siblings to other people in your life, including support systems you may have to pay for.

I encourage you to have the conversation with your mother one on one first, before speaking with your sister. I hope both conversations are productive. But if it’s not, all is not lost. It’s better to know sooner than later who is capable of being in your corner and offering you their enthusiastic support moving forward.

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